The Addiction Face

...

The sad thing is you still think you’re choosing. That you can still say no. When the truth is… it’s just waiting, the way a robin waits for dawn. A moment that rests before the world, and then it’s over. 

And you think about all the etched and everything that comes afterwards, all you want to be, all you could be, the last times and the no mores that lie in a mass grave of decomposing patheticism waiting for another corpse to be thrown into the heap.

How I’ll never disappoint those rotting remains. 

And you know you’ll hate yourself… but still you do it.
And you know it will kill you… but still you do it.

And…

I can see you in everything. The butterfly bag in the girl's hand, the cloud that looks like a cherub, the bumblebee that lies on the tarmac, my own skin, the dancing tramp.

You’ve stained all of me and as I stain all that I touch the world stains me. 

And I hate you. And… I love you 

Because just for a moment, the moment before a second ticks. I’m not made of flesh and bone. Just light, pure light, and nothing can see me and I can’t see nothing. Then it’s gone and I still can’t see because I’m surrounded by blackness and I discard another body. 

Normality returns as the pensioner laughs at their own joke. I’ll hear a baby crying, watch lovers kiss, smell the breath of life, feel the earth's skin... taste your honey. 

And then I think I’m choosing and that I’m in a fight, but the light’s already won. 

And I hate you. And… I love you

Image: Beautiful Boy (2018)